The Newlywed Guru

A few years back, a friend of mine got married to a man that had three children from a previous relationship. My friend also had three children from a previous relationship. Kind of Brady Bunch situation.  So I decided to give her a book on how to combine the two families. She read the book and later told me it had some useful advice. I asked her what she found was most important and here is what she said:

“We took the advice about sitting down with each other and defining what we were trying to accomplish in our marriage and we shared this information with our children in a group setting.”

“We both defined what each of our roles were and how we were going to handle each and all situations. We asked for questions from our children, some of who were adults, and we were surprised how each one had a different idea as to how they thought we were going to function. This was extremely helpful.”

Well, it must have worked because they are still a family. A few bumps along the way, but hey, that’s family! Still going strong after 10 years.

This subject has always interested me because I can see it from the good aspect and the bad aspect.

What is Flirting?

Flirt: noun/verb meaning to make advances toward someone. Definition: seducer, player, come on, bat eyes, make a pass, ogle, pick up, wink at, lead on and proposition.

Flirting is a Good Thing

Let’s take a look at the good of flirting in a marriage. Flirting with your mate can enhance spiciness in a marriage. It’s a playful way of sexually arousing each other. Being playful with your mate is healthy; it promotes a happy environment and contributes to bringing the two of you closer to each other. It’s letting your mate know you find them attractive. It’s the prelude to foreplay.

Flirting is a Bad Thing

Flirting outside your marriage is a dangerous act. In many cases it has lead to infidelity. For example: you notice an attractive co-worker. You wink, and he/she winks back. You both begin to comment on the appearance of each other, the outfit they are wearing, the hairstyles, etc. Eventually you begin speaking in more depth and learning more about their lives. This could lead to sharing intimate information about you and your mate’s lives, especially if you have had a recent disagreement or argument.

Flirting is an Ugly Thing

Before you know it, this person becomes a “shoulder for you to cry on” so to speak, available whenever you need someone to talk to and share your frustrations. Maybe over a cup of coffee or lunch or even dinner? Just to talk things out of course. Too bad your mate wasn’t more like this co-worker…hmm…See how the pattern develops?

So the moral of this story: Make sure you only have eyes for each other!

-The Newlywed Guru

Ok, the wedding is over, the honeymoon was awesome, your sunburn has healed (hopefully), “thank you” cards have been sent, and the undesirable gifts have either been returned or are waiting for you to re-wrap them as a “gift” for someone else. Chances are you and your new spouse are starting to settle into a routine of some sort.

Something Feels Different in the Marriage

Even if you had lived together prior to marriage, marriage feels different…doesn’t it? At least I hope so…otherwise, what the heck was the point of committing your life, your entire life, to this person??

The reason for marriage is different for everyone…but one thing does run true for all…you have committed your life to this other person. Now, its time to make sure you are on the right track…actually on the same track!

A Fun Couple Activity with Vision

Create a VISION board together. A vision board is a creative representation of what you want you life to look like. It could be your long-term vision or maybe it’s just the next year.

Go to your local office supply place and purchase the foam project boards, get one for each of you. Grab as many magazines as you can your hands on, some glue sticks and 2 pairs of scissors. Sit down with a bottle of wine, snacks and some good music…and start clipping out pictures and phrases that ring true for you. Then start gluing them onto your board, just like one of those collages we did as kids. This is good practice for you, if you don’t have kids, because trust me – there are many glue stick nights in your future!

Contributing Post provided by Jennifer Lee, Life Coach, www.coachjennlee.com

1. Maintain a sense of individuality.

Keep in mind as individuals we have many interests. If you are passionate about a certain interest, keep doing it. Probably some of your interests is what attracted your mate to you in the first place.

2. Keep the wonderment of discovery.

Remember as a child how excited you were when you learned something new? Remember how amazed you felt when you saw the transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly? Apply this to your lives and keep searching for articles, objects and at each other to discover the many treasures of life.

3. Re-evaluate your goals.

Every year pull out those goals you have written down and check to see if both of you are still on track. Be flexible. Sometimes unexpected circumstances arise which will cause you to tweek your goals, but be creative and practical and come up with a solution that will get you back on track.

- The Newlywed Guru

In past blogs I’ve touched on the importance of communicating and how essential it is to a relationship, however, today I want to discuss revealing intimate details to your spouse. An intimate detail is something of great importance including medical history, financial, criminal debts or dependency matter.

In order to feel comfortable discussing personal issues with another person you must feel the person is trustworthy, open and non-judgmental. Learning to establish an open line of communication can be intimidating and uncomfortable because it exposes you and puts you in a vulnerable state of mind.

So what do you do?

1. Ask your spouse if they feel comfortable with you telling them something that they might not know about you or a situation. Or approach your spouse and tell them that you are comfortablewith them telling you something that you may not know about them.

2. Agree on a “you tell me and I will tell you” approach giving both of you equal time to share an awkward disclosure. Don’t overload; one at a time is a good start.

3. Chose the appropriate time (notice I did not say the right time. Is there really a right time?) to bring up SOME current or past situations. Be discerning some things just need to stay exactly where you’ve put them.

4. Share with your loved one how the disclosed situation made you feel or changed your outlook on life. This is also the time to ask for support if you need it.

5. Never, ever, ever violate your spouse’s trust by bringing up the situation during a disagreement. This will cause a HUGE tear in your relationship which could lead to a breakdown in communication and your marriage. Remember once a word is spoken it can never be taken back.

And finally, keep in mind the more you communicate and lean on each other the
easier it will be in times of crisis and joys.

Stay in Love,

The Newlywed Guru